Weddings... good or bad???

I went to a friend's wedding yesterday. I love weddings, I do. I love the romance about them and everything that they represent. It's 2 people choosing to stand before their peers and God, if they so choose, and commit to each other for the rest of their lives. When I got married, it was quick and I only had about a week to plan it. But it came together and at the time I thought I was committing my life to my husband. That didn't work out the way I planned. I truly don't believe in divorce, I would have fought tooth and nail to save my marriage, but that wasn't how things played out.

I went on a tangent, back to my friend's wedding. It was beautiful and the reception was beautiful as well. At one point during the first dances, father/daughter dance, etc I looked to another friend and said "I can't wait to get married again so I can have all this". I didn't get to have a big reception or anything the first time. I want to dance with my dad, dance with my husband to "our" song, see my husband with his mom. It makes me happy to see that and to see friends and family come together to celebrate this new union. I love it.

Now on to the flip side. I found myself getting a little teary eyed during the wedding and reception, even, because it reminded me of what I don't have. Seeing the bride and groom dance so close, look into each other's eyes, and being genuinely happy with each other tugged at me. I want to be able to look at someone with so much love and adoration that you just beam with happiness.

I really did enjoy myself last night and I wish the couple many, many years of happiness. And I know that one day I will get to have everything I want

Been a while

Wow, it's been a looong time since I've written a blog post!!

In case there's someone reading this that isn't my friend on FB, Instagram, or real life; here's an update on the last 2+ years.

I got divorced 2 years ago. Since then I've lived with friends, lived with a boyfriend, and now I'm living on my own getting ready to move in the next 9 months, hopefully. It's been fun, it's been hard, and sometimes it's just downright sucked. My ex-husband moved in with the girl he'd been seeing while I was in CA (maybe longer than that, but I don't know for sure, nor do I really care anymore). They got engaged the next year and were married earlier this year. Learning about that as it happened was hard for me, really hard. Not because I wanted him back or thought we would ever get back together. I hated the fact that all of this had been so easy from him since the day we signed those papers. I was, and still am, trying to figure out my life and put the pieces back together. And he got to have everything he wanted from the get go. It hurt and probably broke my heart a little more than it already was.

I know through this journey that I've changed, in a good way I hope. The first year was a lot of ups and downs and this last year has been more ups than downs. I've dated a few guys, some I wish I hadn't but like people say "People will come into your life and either be a blessing or a lesson". Those guys will be a lesson to remind me not to settle, to be picky, and to find someone who truly compliments me. I've given myself a "no-dating" rule that started after I was played by someone who I was really into. Long story short, he was dating me and another girl at the same time. So I've become a little more guarded in the love department after that experience. But you know what? I'm okay with it. I'm okay with being single and being home alone at night, maybe not every night but it's okay for now. I mentioned earlier about moving, which I'll get into later, but I really think this is a good rule. I don't want to get attached to someone here just to move later. And I'm having fun "doing me", I don't have to answer to anybody, I don't have to worry if someone is going to be upset/jealous that I'm going out with my girlfriends, it's my life and I get to do what I want.

So, about me moving. I'm moving to Georgia in Sept/Oct of 2014 and I can't wait!! What's in Georgia, you ask? Well, Georgia!! I know one family there that I used to watch their son on base. My friend's husband's family is also from the area I'll be moving to, but I don't really know them. I'm doing this completely on my own. Packing up me and Duchess and starting a new adventure. I like Minot and I love all the friends I have here, but I know they won't be here forever. Most of them are military and the military doesn't stay in spot for very long. Plus, Minot just isn't where I want to be for the rest of my life. And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I need to leave to get away from my ex. As okay as my life is, I still get anxiety about seeing him or them. I work at Target in town, a very popular store. One time earlier this year, I saw his truck in the parking lot and had a mini panic attack. I wouldn't get on a cash register until I knew they were gone. I can't explain what it is, all I know is that I don't want to see him or them together. So, I'm moving, but not just to get away from them. The South has always been somewhere I've wanted to go and Georgia seemed like a good match for me :) Who knows, maybe I'll meet a nice Southern gentleman to sweep me off my feet! Not getting my hopes up, but it would be nice. Just saying :)

With all that said, I've noticed a change in me; physically and mentally/emotionally. I joined Weight Watchers earlier this year and I've lost 15 lbs so far. I love the changes that are happening to me and I feel like I'm gaining more confidence as the weight comes off. I've also noticed that my mood seems to be better. I try to mostly be happy and upbeat, even if it's just pretending. But lately, I feel genuinely happy with my life. I like the way I feel now and I hope it stays for a while. I'm happy, I'm excited for my move, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

If you've made it this far, Congrats!!! lol I don't know if anyone actually reads this, but I'm going to try and keep it updated; even if it's just for me to get my thoughts out

Until next time!!

When will it end??

I wish somebody could tell me when everything will get better and I'll stop thinking about Aaron, stop thinking about things we used to do, stop bringing "us" up when I'm talking to people, stop anything that has to do with him, or us, or our past life in general. I've noticed lately, and I'm sure I've been doing it all along, I constantly bring Aaron up. Or in conversation I'll say "Aaron and I used to do that", or "we did that too"; it's hard to break the cycle of talking about our relationship. It's not like I can just not talk about it, I've tried that. I might not say anything, but the thought pops into my head still. I just wish I wouldn't think about him and what he had or didn't have. Why can't there be a handbook on getting over a divorce, it would make things so much easier!!

Maybe moving really is what I need. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from everything by going to CA. But other times I feel like it's the fresh start that I need. The only thing keeping in Minot right now is my friends. I'm constantly worried about seeing him wherever I go. So maybe moving will be good for me. It'll give me a chance to be on my own and really do my own thing and hopefully not be too consumed with him.

Dear Aaron...

I really want to tell you that I hate you, but hate is too strong of a feeling to have towards someone. I have a very strong dislike for you and the way that you treated me while we were together. Because of the way you treated me, I might have pushed away one of the most important people in my life right now. It's 99% my fault because I let my past interfere with my present, but I can still blame you because you're the one who treated me like crap and put me down constantly to the point that now I can't even take a joke from my friends. I hope that one day I'll have learned to not let my past control me and I'll forget about the way you treated me.

I don't understand

I don't know why he's doing this, or why he couldn't tell me. I know I should be mad, but all I can do is cry and wonder why or what I did wrong.

I knew something was wrong when he took off being married on his fb and when he wouldn't want to talk to me. He still doesn't want to talk to me.

What do I do now?? Where do I go from here?? I know I need to go back to ND, but I don't know when or even how I'm going to get back there. I have no job and no money. And the hardest thing of all is wondering about Duchess. I care about the other stuff, but I really just want my baby with me.

I don't even know what's going through my head, I don't know what to think. I don't want this to be happening, I don't want a divorce, I want my husband but obviously he doesn't want me. I'm heartbroken and I just want this to be a horrible, horrible joke.

1 month

Wow, I've been gone for almost a whole month. It's gone by kind of quick, but I don't feel like anything is getting anywhere.

The biggest frustration that I have right now is that Aaron has absolutely no desire to talk to me. I've tried making small talk, but every time I do I feel like I'm bugging him. He told me the other day, after he'd gotten home from a 12 hr shift, that he "wasn't in the mood to talk". I took an opportunity to tell him how I was feeling and that I couldn't believe he was okay with not talking to me for this long. I didn't get a response from him. Part of me feels like he's already made up his mind and is just dragging me along. I don't want to be drug along, so I'm giving the no communication a couple more weeks and then I'm making him talk to me. If he has made up his mind, I'd rather know now than keeping myself in fantasy land hoping this is going to work out.

I guess that brings me to, well, me. I still haven't found a job, which is frustrating in itself, but I keep hoping I get something soon. I've been trying to make it to the gym. I went 2 times last week. I was supposed to go today, but I got bummed about the whole job thing and spent about 2 hours filling out applications, so I didn't go. I know it's a horrible excuse, but it's all I got. I did start reading my seperation book again, it's what prompted the previous post. I really like the book. At the end of each chapter are reflection questions, that really get me thinking about my situation.

I've been thinking a lot of "what if's" lately. What if we get divorced? What if he wants to work things out? I've been trying to think about how I feel since I've been out here. And strangely, I've been kind of okay out here. It sucks not having a job, yes. My parents house is crazy and nothing is honky-dorey over here, yes. I haven't had a real conversation with Aaron since before I left. That's the one that really hits a nerve. I told myself I wasn't going to try and talk to him anymore, I'm leaving it up to him. And surprisingly, I've been okay with that. Yes, I get sad that he doesn't want to talk to me, but I'm also not moping over it. At least I don't think I am, my family might say different. lol But deep down, I think that part of me is okay with the seperation and I have a little faith that if this doesn't work out, I'm going to be okay on my own.

The more I think about me and my role in this whole thing, the more my feelings are going to become clear. I'm just waiting for them to clear up.

What I deserve

I've been thinking about what I deserve and want in a relationship, with or without Aaron. If he decides he wants to stay with me, I've got to put my foot down and speak up. I can't, and won't, be okay with the way he treats me anymore, I don't deserve it. I know I'm not a perfect wife, but I should still be allowed to have expectations of how I want my husband to treat me. And if we do split up, I still need to be aware of what I want and need in any future relationship that I have. So here it goes

I deserve someone:

• who treats me with respect (doesn't talk down to me, listens to me, asks for my advice/opinions)
• who treats me as an equal (takes my feelings into consideration, includes me in major decisions, or any decision)
• who enjoys spending time with me no matter what we're doing
• who WANTS to spend time with me without me practically begging
• who is the first one I turn to for anything; happy, sad, mad, all those emotions
• who is my best friend, partner, lover all in one
• who enjoys my family. Doesn't have to love them, but at least be a part of my side of the family
• who will stay, for the most part, the person that I met in the beginning. There's a reason why I started to like you in the first place, don't lose those qualities once you have me.

I feel like maybe that's a very short list, I don't know. But those are all things that are important to me and things that are severely lacking in my current relationship. I hope and pray that I'll be able to express these things to Aaron if/when he makes up his mind. In the meantime, it's here for me to look at and hopefully add to as I continue this journey.